stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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