You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
