There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
