Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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