Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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