You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My ass is underappreciated
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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