she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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