So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
