dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
