She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
