Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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