I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
