I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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