I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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