she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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