mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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