I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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