Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
