We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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