You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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