Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
this is an emotional support booty call
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
