considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
