Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
