I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I puked a lego.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
