I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
