About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
