I looked at my own cervix.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
