I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
