at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
