the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
