life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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