Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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