The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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