girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
