so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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