I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
