All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
