I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
