Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
