So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
