My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
