he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
