Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
