i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
