god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
