If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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