the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
