Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
