You smell like stripper and shame
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
