bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
