from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
