After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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