Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
did i walk over a car last night?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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